self torturing freak

i just hate the fact that when i reach home..no one is around..i mean in Mentari..
I thought i would able to NOT go home alone therefore i was rushing like some mad cow..
BUT yeah..disappointment when i open the door and the room is filthy clean..
which means his parents was here ( my guess which is normally correct..hmphh)
..and yeah..
Melvin is no where to be seen..same goes to the WHOLE house..
lonely is the word to describe my feelings now..shit..

Suddenly i have the urge not to go home..DAMN it..i feel so shitty-ly shitty now..
i just HATE going back alone..or coming back alone..
which reminds me AGAIN..that i am lonely..and lonely..CRAP...
sometimes..i would be GLAD..like damn glad to be able to be alone..
i can go wherever i want..i can do whatever i want..without thinking who to please or who to not..but yeah..those are the words to make myself feeling less pathetic than i am now..

yes i know..i shouldn't be soo desperate or whatever..but can't just let me like mourn a little bit for me to feel better..yeah..this is a public blog thingy..but i dont care wei..just think whatever that you want to think..

i HATE being alone at this point..and its raining now..how am i suppose to walk to the station..URGHHHH...
i know..there are friends around me..and im glad that there are many..
but when i finish class..on my way back home..
when im going back and fourth to Seremban alone..
when i stare at my phone blindly..no messages..
when i have to be jealous while watching other couples being sweet in the college..
when im looking at them..and thinking about myself..
when im watching a movie..and missing the fact that there is a person that i can lean my head on last time..and now..i CANT..
when im stucked in the rain and someone actually sms me where am i??
when im missing someone terribly all in a sudden and what i need to do is just sms and tell him..( not by staring at my phone..and thinking there is no point sms-ing)
when i need to complain about how terrible is my day..
when i need to hug someone horribly..
when i want somebody to hold my hands and telling me that he will always be there for me..
when i need to shoulder to cry on...

that is when loneliness strucks me..
that is when i feel like i needed someone to be there..

i dont know is it better this way..
or it is better when it was at a sensitive stage..
i hate missing people..
i hate missing someone that i know i would never be with...
i hate missing someone that i can never miss...

now i realize something that i have done wrong in the past..
the space..yes..i did not give enough space..
now..i can see that it will be much more better if i had realize it earlier..
but what can i do???

NOW..it seems that im torturing myself again..how great..
seriously...someone has to come up..or magically appear in my life now..
i need someone..i really need..