The really end of the end

You know what is heart broke into million and billion pieces???

Yea..my heart just did..

broke into million and billion pieces..

The reason why..because of him again..

Recently i was really tired and stressed..i seriously dont understand how my heart felts and how it works...i can be happy go lucky..and i can be super duper emo in a snap..or in a click...thats why im frusfrated today..because i was being emo suddenly..and i dont understand why...there is no reason..no logical reason that i can think of...but i did..i was damn frusfrated..so i need to talk..especially to him..because he 'suppose' to know me the best..he 'suppose' to understand me the most..

i was sitting there..at the corner of his room..waiting for him to come over and talk to me..i was crying already..because i was EMO..but he did not..he just went on and did his stuffs..like totally ignore that im there...so i called him over..saying that i need to talk..that i want to talk..but he just said i dont want to talk to you..i said i just need to talk because im really not feeling that good now..he said i have to learn how to deal with it alone...He was saying it as though i was just some stupid old stranger from the road side..i got SOOO frusfrated and i buzz off the room..sobbing..and Michele came over and comfort me..listening to me..i was feeling way better..WAY better..and i can even forgive him for saying that to me..So i acted like there is nothing and went to his room..wanted to take something..

BUT..he said 'GET OUT OF THE ROOM' like really angry...

i was sooo pissed off and asked him why are you mad at me..he said im dumb and stupid..he even asked me to fish off..im like..what the hell..i just want you to treat me like your friend..your normal friend..i just want you to treat me like what you suppose to treat me..but he said..'too bad..that is just me'...i dont want to hate him..i really dont want to hate him..all this while..il always there to defend him..to say that he is still good inside..you guys should know it the best..am i not defending him all this while??????????

He said im just being stupid again..and he dont want to continue this conversation..

All this while..im the one who defended him..who wants to change the perspection of the people towards him..to believe that he will be there for me and care about me..though we are not couples..to show him what is 'love' about..because he told me that all this while in his past relationship..it was always the girl who dumps him..i just want him to feel that there is still love in this world..

I felt like im cheated..i felt like the whole one year that we were together was a huge mistake..that i should listen to the whole world instead of listening to my heart..trust that im really special to him..as a friend..or something more than a friend..

i felt like my whole world was crushed down..my whole belief of love is destroyed..broke into million and billion believes..and i cant even trust him anymore..i cant even look at him..i cant even talk to him..and im hating him right now..for destroying me..destroying us..for destroying every single thing that we had..

i was crying in his room..then he ask me not to be a hypocrite..you guys tell me...is this what you should say to your ex..somebody that was really very close to you before..is it even appropriate...

i swear to myself that i wnt step into his room anymore..i threw his room keys back to him...

and i went to my room..sobbing..talking to michele again..

i even told michele..this is just between me and him..there is nothing to do with you..you guys are still friends..dont let it affects both of you..

until the end..

though i hated him..

but i still defended him..