Late night ramble

Bear with me and stay with me...its almost 5am and I couldn't sleep..Reason why? I am scare..

Probably you guys will think that I am mad and stupid to get stress over such little things.I don't know what is my results yet and yes I am scare..even until this very moment...Never ever felt so helpless before..and never ever felt so not confident before..yes I knew I had tried my best and its over and done..I can not change it anymore..its a fact...and tomorrow it will be a history...

I know it all.....

My expectations are high..yes..because thats who I am...I knew I screwed up my kitchen and it will affect my overall results..these few days I had been telling myself...lower your bar and be happy with whatever that you can get...honestly..its not easy to do...

I am not trying to boast myself and saying that I am very smart..but had been passing all my exams with flying colors all along..primary..secondary..been doing great in academic wise and co curriculum..even in college my diploma results is what I want to get in the next few hours...though I had fail my add math once...but..I know my standard..and I want to get the best..not the top student..but at least up to my expectation...

Why am I like that? ask my mum...My parents always have high expectation on me..and that is why I had worked my ass off in UPSR, PMR and SPM....probably because of the pressure that was set upon me in the past..it has left its trail upon me...and until today this very moment..though I had changed much and not that kiasu anymore...but its just me...am not pressured..but scare...

I had told myself zillions of time, its okay to get VHP..you had tried your best...be grateful for what you get tomorrow...no matter what it is...just accept it and forget about it..life is too short to feel sad about it..I did..zillions of times...even until just now when I tried to sleep...oh god...I just want to whack myself so I can faint and sleep right now...

oh rambling again and again...thats why I said..bear with me..I am trying to write until I am tired enough to sleep...

I am grateful for what I have now really..every time I see my friend 'like' the picture of us, or saying that you already have aaron mer...or even both of you are cute couple...I felt super grateful to have met him and to be with him...

I want to have a future with him...I want to built a family with him..I want him to be by my side when I am down and when I needed someone...I want him to be part of my present and future...because somehow I know...I will never meet anyone that can treat me as good as him anymore...

Some people say we are always not grateful for what we have now..oh yes..that us being a human...we always want more in our life...when its okay..you want good..when its good..you want great...when its horrible...you will say my life sucks..I am a human too..not that I am not grateful...not that I am not satisfied..no complains from me..because he treats me like a princess...but its myself...my insecurities..not him...but me..

I am scare that the more I want something..the harder I will fall...I am scare that I will make some silly and stupid mistakes and I will loose it all..read so many stories...experience it myself..and I know how bad it is...and I am scare that I will make those mistakes..thats why I always ask B did I do anything wrong or did I make you emo? I know it may be irritating at times...but I want to know whether I did the right thing for him or not...I want to know what mistakes I had done...yupe..I know its dumb and stupid...thats why I said..its my insecurities...

Past...History...its done and no point thinking about it..

Love started off as a blank paper...you slowly slowly paint it with all sorts of colors..whether its sunshine yellow and red or gloomy black and brown..its you who paint it and you who decided what kind of painting it will be...once you start painting there is no turning back..because it stayed like a permanent ink..no matter how hard you want to erase the mistakes that you had done..the mark will still be there...So careful....

oh..the more I write the better I feel actually..great.

Ten months had almost passed...I miss everything about him and us...everything from end of term 4...Melaka...first time holding hands...two months long distance relationship...late night calls...travelling in the bus alone for several hours just to see him and celebrate his birthday...day trip to museum and Genting...getting our first pet Viva..running back and fourth from Mentari and Bangsar...Ipoh trip...making cakes together...Perhentian trip...eating early breakfast together...blanketing him in the middle of the night..saying good night and telling him that I love him...hugging him...snuggling in blankets together...everything..

sometimes I felt like I had spend my whole life with him though it is just ten months...so short and yet so long...

Fool I may be..but no matter how foolish I am...one thing that I am sure of...I love you more than anything in this entire universe...the thought of you alone made me feeling better already...its 5.19am..better off to bed..I shall be thinking about all the things that we had done...and I will be missing you in my dreams...

Results? now..screwed it...VHP so what? told you...bear with me..I just need to express my thoughts...